BBC News
My first marriage took place seven years ago today. They knew us. I remember when my ex-husband's family came to pick up my relationship, they welcomed us so much and showed love that I, along with my family, got ready for this relationship immediately. I will make you a daughter", "You will never have any problem in life" etc. etc.
This was said by Ayesha Waqar (pseudonym) for whom the beginning of her first marriage was no less than a dream. At first, seeing her ex-husband's attitude, she felt as if no one in the world could love me more than this person.
She immediately agreed to the marriage and came to Lahore from Karachi. After I got married, I started working again. But in the first month of marriage, things got a little weird.
In many South Asian countries, including Pakistan, divorce is not considered acceptable for women to solve their problems, due to which women often face abuse and mental stress throughout their lives.
Ayesha told BBC Urdu: "My mother-in-law and husband started telling me that you should ask your family members for share in the property. When my salary came, my husband took all that salary from me. '
And then it all became normal. He would not pay me but would take it from me. When I mentioned this to the family, they said that it doesn't matter, the couple's money is the same, so don't think too much of it. '
'This is not my baby'
For Ayesha and many women like her, the wedding experience is not as beautiful as is commonly thought.
In order to allay the objections of the in-laws, their family members also named the property in their name. But one by one, the demands began to grow and attitudes changed.
My husband started demanding, 'You name your plot after me, I will set up an office there,'" she says. I avoided this ... After that I began to see a clear change in attitudes. My mother-in-law and husband started talking rudely to me. When I would come home from the office, I would do all the housework. Although there was an army of employees in the house.
In such a situation, parents also face the dilemma of what role they should play in setting up their daughter's house.
Whenever I expressed my grievances to my family, they would say to me in one sentence, 'Sons and daughters have to endure a lot to settle down.'
But this sentence made Ayesha even weaker. When secrets began to unfold one by one in the new house, their endurance ran out.
My husband also drinks alcohol. Because drunk he would insult me. Within a few months of the marriage, I was hopeful. When my husband found out, he said, 'This is not my baby.' When I heard this, the earth came out from under my feet. That house became hell for me that day. "
She says that one day her husband made dirty accusations against her and beat her while she was pregnant and kicked her out of the house at night.
Ayesha says that at that time she was alone in Lahore city but she was very surprised when her family still wanted to reconcile her. He began to feel that he had "no caste of his own, no home."
At the birth of her daughter, her ex-husband reiterated, "She is not my daughter. Your daughter had an affair with a non-male, one of whom would be a daughter. '
She finally decided that she would stay at her parents' house. Marriage and then divorce caused a lot of stress for Ayesha and in the meanwhile she was not even able to seek help from anyone in this regard.
After the divorce, her family members began to explain to her that their problems would be solved in a second marriage.
"Will you accept my daughter too?"
Ayesha did not want to have to go through the same experience as her first marriage. The only condition for their second marriage was whether they would be found guilty after the divorce.
My relationship came to my father's friend's son. I was worried about how such a relationship came about for a divorced girl ... There was a fear in my heart that someone would want to get married for some greed or interest. I asked to meet the boy and only after meeting him and learning about him did I decide to marry him.
Before her second marriage, she asked, "Will you accept my daughter as well? When she was told, "I consider her my child," she was satisfied.
After marrying a divorced woman, his new family members resisted the "bitter words and social attitudes of the people."
They made me happy but at the same time they never let me down. This relationship has rekindled my trust and confidence, which is why I am now living a happy life.
"People blame divorced women"
Psychologist Raiha Aftab, speaking on social attitudes towards divorced women, said that in Pakistan, India and a few other countries, women are made to feel as if they no longer have any identity of their own.
In our country, the purpose of a girl's life is only marriage. From childhood to the age of marriage, parents start making things for her marriage, which is why marriage is also seen as an investment. The family spends money on the wedding and after that if the girl returns home after divorce, it is generally said that all the money was wasted.
She says that before marriage a woman is named after her father and after marriage after her husband. The girl has to accept that her husband's house is now her home. It's a difficult thing for any human being to accept psychologically."
According to Raiha Aftab, most of the girls are not welcomed warmly by their family members which makes them feel that they have no home. It creates an identity crisis that leads to other psychological problems."
In many Asian countries, marriage is considered the real success of a girl and if she fails this test, her life is considered meaningless."
He says that everyone needs to understand that divorce is not a stain but a means to get out of an unpleasant relationship, so in such a time if the family is with him, he will get out of one trouble and into a double trouble. Will not suffer.
She admits that there will be very few homes where a second marriage is openly accepted.
"If the second husband and in-laws are good, then the girl regains the lost trust in the relationship and the confidence in her personality increases and it helps her to forget the bad experiences of life."
